Dear France,
I'm just going to come out and say it. You stink. I don't mean you're a bad place to live. That's not it at all. I really don't mind the snooty French people. In fact, they aren't that snooty most of the time. Although, those that are snooty, they definitely have noses reaching for the stars. Aside from that, the people aren't so bad.
You see, what I mean by telling you that you stink is simply this, you have a lot of smells. I've been trying to go running on your streets. It's not easy. Okay, what smells am I talking about? You need to know, there are numerous odors that are inhabiting your streets. Those suped up bicycles, or suped down motorcycles that you have running around are doing something wrong. The exhaust is incredible, and it can't simply be the gasoline that you've got in the country. It's not that all cars are putting out this rancid exhaust. It's just these little mini-motos that you have running around. I'm not talking about the mobilettes either, those are adorable and french and put out soft scents of french bread and butter as they pass by...or at least that's what I imagine. Nope. I'm talking those cheap little motos that 16-22 year old boys who don't want to take, or can't take, driving lessons to get thier license tool around trying to look hardcore and pick up the girls from the hood. These things put out a ridiculous cloud of exhaust. One that sits on the road. The exhaust seems to take an hour to dissipate, so it just waits for you. Walking by? Boom! Exhaust. Trying to run by and taking deep breaths because you're exercising? Boom! Exhaust. I get it. I lived in New York for awhile, the air isn't that great either. But at least it has the decency to permeate all the air in the city. You can't even tell the different exhausts from each other. Here, these little rideable motorcycles are killing me.
On the subject of difficulty breathing; it's time we had a talk. Look, I know you have a reputation to protect. I realize that a black beret and striped shirt with a baguette and cigarette in hand makes up the world's stereotype of french people. I understand that. But how did you, an entire and industrialized nation, miss the memo about the connection between smoking and health? This may seem surprising, but I have to tell you directly, without frills, smoking cigarettes is bad for your health. Smoking causes cancer. Breathing in hundreds of toxins on a regular basis will kill you. I know, the classic response of 'everything kills you these days.' You're snooty and you're attached to your smokes. Well look, smoking kills you faster. Smoking kills your friends and your family. And, on a related but more selfish note, smoking kills me. I'm tired of it. Again, running or walking around the streets and I have to run through billows of smoke what just hang about, regardless of the street, the park, or the direction. Nowhere and no one is safe.
France, did you know that there are five entrances to the law building--five entrances that are three double-door widths large. With all of these options I'm still unable to find a clear and smoke free entrance inside. Even if you've made large strides to prevent smoking indoors, and I'll admit that it's along the right track. Still, France, I should remind you of a little something about science. Basically, the stuffy air on the inside of a closed space wants to get out. It's just claustrophobic or something. See, so when you have a box, or a building in this case, and you create a small opening for the air on the inside to escape, it will. That air is going to rush on out. But see, this creates a vacuum where that air needs to be replaced. So the air around that opening, let's say the doors to this building will be sucked right inside to replace the air that was stuck inside. Now, whatever makes up that air outside that opening--whether it be oxygen, nitrogen, or secondhand smoke--will move to the inside. All of this is to say that blocking all of the entrances with smokers and smoke will not help keep smoke out of the inside of buildings.
Okay. It's smoky and smelly outside. especially in front of restaurants and school buildings and everywhere. And sometimes those awful smells get inside, and they are less than fun. While I'm here, and on the issue of smelly things inside, there's one more thing I should probably talk about--you know, to continue the stereotyping. No, it's not the people urinating in the train stations. No, it's not the people urinating on the streets. No, it's not the dog feces left everywhere like rank land mines. No, it's not even the fake trash cans that are seeping garbage and coffee everywhere (and by cans, I of course mean the public plastic bags that are hung in places that don't really have cans so much as basketball hoops lifted about 4 feet off the ground with the clear garbage bag hanging inside of it). No. I have something that I need to talk to the french boys aged somewhere between 18-22 ish. See, I know you look good with your new kicks. Those skinny jeans and striped shirt make you look both awkward and solidly french. Yes, you have a great Guillaume Canet jawline and haircut. Yet, no matter how good you look, you need to shower. There it is, I said it, you didn't shower today. I know you didn't shower. You know you didn't shower. And those chickadees you were mackin' on, yeah, they know you didn't shower too. I'm going to go out on a limb (a very secure and strong limb) and say that I don't think you showered yesterday either. Okay, I don't mind when we're outside and you're 30 meters away, I can hardly even tell. But look, I got to class early and found a good spot. There are tons of great spaces everywhere, because this room is never filled. So why, oh why, must you come in late to sit directly in front of my place bringing me into the nucleus of your b.o. cloud? You don't. There are places everywhere. Find one of those. And one of those isn't the seat directly behind me. You see I have a computer so you jump to the obvious conclusion that I'm a super student who takes awesome and complete notes. Wrong. I'm American. My clothes/shoes/face/accent should've tipped you off. Sorry. My notes aren't going to be helpful, even if you breath down my neck as you lean over trying to read my microsoft word document filled with ellipses for words and phrases that I missed, and ridiculous misspellings of obvious place names. I'm sorry. I can't help you, but I can smell you. You should probably find a different seat, or come in earlier to give me a chance to move. Or, better yet, take a shower, use soap, use deodorant.
While not every dude on campus is smelly, i'm mostly tired of the smelly ones sitting in front of me in class. It's old. It's just a plea. There are others around you. You smell bad. You reek of smoke. You stink of b.o. Your halitosis moves like a shockwave. Please, just make an effort.
A concerned friend,
LAW
PS. Thanks for helping me take notes in class smelly dude behind me, I couldn't understand a word that the prof was saying.
PPS. France, you are also full of crazy good smells: mostly bread. Fresh baked bread at most hours of the day. Also, that crazy rich scent of butter melted into chocolate and bread from pain au chocolats is incredible. Thanks for those.
PPPS. I wish Helga were here. She smells nice.
I'm just going to come out and say it. You stink. I don't mean you're a bad place to live. That's not it at all. I really don't mind the snooty French people. In fact, they aren't that snooty most of the time. Although, those that are snooty, they definitely have noses reaching for the stars. Aside from that, the people aren't so bad.
You see, what I mean by telling you that you stink is simply this, you have a lot of smells. I've been trying to go running on your streets. It's not easy. Okay, what smells am I talking about? You need to know, there are numerous odors that are inhabiting your streets. Those suped up bicycles, or suped down motorcycles that you have running around are doing something wrong. The exhaust is incredible, and it can't simply be the gasoline that you've got in the country. It's not that all cars are putting out this rancid exhaust. It's just these little mini-motos that you have running around. I'm not talking about the mobilettes either, those are adorable and french and put out soft scents of french bread and butter as they pass by...or at least that's what I imagine. Nope. I'm talking those cheap little motos that 16-22 year old boys who don't want to take, or can't take, driving lessons to get thier license tool around trying to look hardcore and pick up the girls from the hood. These things put out a ridiculous cloud of exhaust. One that sits on the road. The exhaust seems to take an hour to dissipate, so it just waits for you. Walking by? Boom! Exhaust. Trying to run by and taking deep breaths because you're exercising? Boom! Exhaust. I get it. I lived in New York for awhile, the air isn't that great either. But at least it has the decency to permeate all the air in the city. You can't even tell the different exhausts from each other. Here, these little rideable motorcycles are killing me.
On the subject of difficulty breathing; it's time we had a talk. Look, I know you have a reputation to protect. I realize that a black beret and striped shirt with a baguette and cigarette in hand makes up the world's stereotype of french people. I understand that. But how did you, an entire and industrialized nation, miss the memo about the connection between smoking and health? This may seem surprising, but I have to tell you directly, without frills, smoking cigarettes is bad for your health. Smoking causes cancer. Breathing in hundreds of toxins on a regular basis will kill you. I know, the classic response of 'everything kills you these days.' You're snooty and you're attached to your smokes. Well look, smoking kills you faster. Smoking kills your friends and your family. And, on a related but more selfish note, smoking kills me. I'm tired of it. Again, running or walking around the streets and I have to run through billows of smoke what just hang about, regardless of the street, the park, or the direction. Nowhere and no one is safe.
 |
| Got a light? Yes they do. |
France, did you know that there are five entrances to the law building--five entrances that are three double-door widths large. With all of these options I'm still unable to find a clear and smoke free entrance inside. Even if you've made large strides to prevent smoking indoors, and I'll admit that it's along the right track. Still, France, I should remind you of a little something about science. Basically, the stuffy air on the inside of a closed space wants to get out. It's just claustrophobic or something. See, so when you have a box, or a building in this case, and you create a small opening for the air on the inside to escape, it will. That air is going to rush on out. But see, this creates a vacuum where that air needs to be replaced. So the air around that opening, let's say the doors to this building will be sucked right inside to replace the air that was stuck inside. Now, whatever makes up that air outside that opening--whether it be oxygen, nitrogen, or secondhand smoke--will move to the inside. All of this is to say that blocking all of the entrances with smokers and smoke will not help keep smoke out of the inside of buildings.
Okay. It's smoky and smelly outside. especially in front of restaurants and school buildings and everywhere. And sometimes those awful smells get inside, and they are less than fun. While I'm here, and on the issue of smelly things inside, there's one more thing I should probably talk about--you know, to continue the stereotyping. No, it's not the people urinating in the train stations. No, it's not the people urinating on the streets. No, it's not the dog feces left everywhere like rank land mines. No, it's not even the fake trash cans that are seeping garbage and coffee everywhere (and by cans, I of course mean the public plastic bags that are hung in places that don't really have cans so much as basketball hoops lifted about 4 feet off the ground with the clear garbage bag hanging inside of it). No. I have something that I need to talk to the french boys aged somewhere between 18-22 ish. See, I know you look good with your new kicks. Those skinny jeans and striped shirt make you look both awkward and solidly french. Yes, you have a great Guillaume Canet jawline and haircut. Yet, no matter how good you look, you need to shower. There it is, I said it, you didn't shower today. I know you didn't shower. You know you didn't shower. And those chickadees you were mackin' on, yeah, they know you didn't shower too. I'm going to go out on a limb (a very secure and strong limb) and say that I don't think you showered yesterday either. Okay, I don't mind when we're outside and you're 30 meters away, I can hardly even tell. But look, I got to class early and found a good spot. There are tons of great spaces everywhere, because this room is never filled. So why, oh why, must you come in late to sit directly in front of my place bringing me into the nucleus of your b.o. cloud? You don't. There are places everywhere. Find one of those. And one of those isn't the seat directly behind me. You see I have a computer so you jump to the obvious conclusion that I'm a super student who takes awesome and complete notes. Wrong. I'm American. My clothes/shoes/face/accent should've tipped you off. Sorry. My notes aren't going to be helpful, even if you breath down my neck as you lean over trying to read my microsoft word document filled with ellipses for words and phrases that I missed, and ridiculous misspellings of obvious place names. I'm sorry. I can't help you, but I can smell you. You should probably find a different seat, or come in earlier to give me a chance to move. Or, better yet, take a shower, use soap, use deodorant.
While not every dude on campus is smelly, i'm mostly tired of the smelly ones sitting in front of me in class. It's old. It's just a plea. There are others around you. You smell bad. You reek of smoke. You stink of b.o. Your halitosis moves like a shockwave. Please, just make an effort.
A concerned friend,
LAW
PS. Thanks for helping me take notes in class smelly dude behind me, I couldn't understand a word that the prof was saying.
PPS. France, you are also full of crazy good smells: mostly bread. Fresh baked bread at most hours of the day. Also, that crazy rich scent of butter melted into chocolate and bread from pain au chocolats is incredible. Thanks for those.
PPPS. I wish Helga were here. She smells nice.
