Monday, August 1, 2011

New York, New YOOORRRKKK.....


This is late, and I might add another tomorrow (and by tomorrow I'm sure anyone reading this realizes I mean at some point in the undetermined future).
I have to write something however, otherwise I will feel guilty. Guilt will lead to overindulgence and tons and tons of ice cream. Which isn't that bad, but getting married in a year means I should only eats some ice cream instead of lots and lots.

In any case:

Dear New York Cabby,

I understand you are not used to the rules of the road. Many of you have been taught to drive by a long list of New York Cabbies. Here's the situation: you are doing it wrong. I know, I know, it seems simple. Go on Green. Stop on Red. Eventually the green will turn to red and also yellows are fair game.
Basically, my concerns are with you misunderstanding your situation, your cab's situation, and your passenger's situation. Humans were made with the ability to graduate motions. Unlike, for example, some insects who seem capable of jumping impossible heights for their size because of an inability to go through a motion and simple go from one position to having their leg in another position which acts as a sort of super amount of pressure--humans have an infinite number of positions by which to move their limbs. So, when the light turns from red to green, you--as a human--do not need to simply go from one pedal all the way to the ground to the gas pedal all the way to ground. Perhaps you're confused. It's a simple matter really: that quick change motion is not good for your car, nor your passenger.
When you press that gas pedal down--putting the pedal to the metal (or is it medal, or is it mettle...probably not the last one) puts an enormous strain on the vehicle. Suddenly your automatic must shift between gears violently in order to keep up with your inability to understand slowly pressing the pedal to gradually get to speed. Perhaps once, in a great while, would not be the end of the world for you. Unfortunately, like a first time mario kart driver, you're forced to stop and go, stop and go, stop and go, and then stop again. (I realize this process of driving isn't entirely your fault as people are often disregarding personal safety and jumping in front of cars and hanging out in the street, and the drivers around you are all...well...new york drivers and expect you to moving and supersonic speeds before the light has changed any way.) With this stop and go, stop and go, stop and go action that you've got going on, your car is swiftly and violently heaving like a binge drinker forced to run wind sprints. Sure, it can do it--but it really, really shouldn't. Meanwhile, you're vehicle is heaving back and forth, and you're weaving in and out of traffic and people, your passengers are being tossed around the back seat experiencing the acceleration and variation between zero and three Gs repeatedly.
Your passengers are not enjoying themselves. I understand the TV in the back should make it easier, but it doesn't. You see, people have this crazy liquid in their heads (in the ears, I'm pretty sure). This liquid tells our bodies, "hey, you're moving forward," and "hey you're moving backward," and, "hey, what exactly are you doing because I'm swirling around inside here like a toilet bowl in the southern hemisphere?" So, as the car is moving forward and jack rabbitting off the line in order to be the first one in the intersection (but not able to actually get across yet because traffic is always clogged by bad drivers and irresponsible pedestrians), and then stopping in order to cause an accident just as quickly as you had stopped, the liquid in your passengers head has gone from a calm wading pool to Charybdis (look it up (i think the spelling is right)). Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad, however the messages that this wild ear liquid sends to your brain needs to corroborate with other signals--like from your eyes--in order to make sense of the world. If your body can predict the type of motion and moves that it will go through, then Charybdis won't destroy your body from the inside out. If, however, your passengers are watching Alec Trebek or Jimmy Kimmel on the the little Taxi Tube in the back, then their brain is receiving a message that says the world should be stable. When these two messages conflict with each other, the world that is your passenger's body cannot deal with these several messages and, simply, gets sick.
I propose to you this simple suggestion--and it applies to all New York drivers--
S L O W . . . D O W N

Thanks,
Law

PS. We're all trying to get someplace. Stop honking your horn. Nobody is sitting at green light, that was red a full hundredth of a second earlier, with the intent NOT to move from that spot. He will move. She will move. You will move. If you're the eighth or ninth car from the light, I assure you, it is not your responsibility to be the first one to honk.
PPS. I get it--it's a hard job. People have expectations of you to know where everything in the city is, and they expect you to be able to get there. But try to remember, it is also your job to drive people around wherever they want to go. Period. If we're unhappy it's because it wasn't a nice ride.
Also: Totally found this image elsewhere, but thought it appropriate.
Also: There were definitely good things about New York, it's just that this is on my mind and so i had to put it down.